How Stupid is Santa?

I woke up one Christmas
And ran to see what Santa had left me
What else did I find but one present-
A giant, flying spider monkey!!

There was a bright red bow on its head
And attached was a small note
"Don't let him call his friends"
Was all that Santa wrote

So for years I watched him carefully
(As he and I have grown)
Until that fatal, dreadful day
I forgot to hide my cell phone

He texted all his friends,
And even called his enemies
When they came and tied me up
He seemed oddly pleased

So there I sat and watched him
While I was gagged, tied and cuffed
They started plotting to conquer the world
As if victory over me wasn't enough

I begged for them to let me go
When they had that bomb shipped to my home
I begged to call the police...
And they handed me a garden gnome

I didn't understand why they did it
Until the gnome ordered pizza for me
But then why did they wish to give me food
When they wished to destroy me

Confused and frazzled, I soon fell asleep
As thinking was such taxing work
But those monkeys you see, they never sleep
One of those giant-flying-spider-monkey quirks

I woke up to see a throne set before me
And a monkey demanding I bow
Tied up as I was, gagged in the mouth
It was impossible to do so now

So the king looked at me displeased
And demanded I be killed
And when they finally did
He should have been thrilled

Unfortunately, those giant monkeys
Don't have giant brains
Let's just say... they won't blow up the world
Or themselves.... ever again.


IDOMAD, 2008